Loving With Passion

How to Talk with Your Kids About Sex
Whether you like it or not, you are a sexual role model for the young people in your life. Their eager minds seek to understand the world around them. When the issues are not articulated for them, they learn through the subtleties, like body language and watching the interactions of those around them. And even worse, they learn from the Internet, television and through conversations with their friends. If you don’t step and let them know they are safe to ask you anything – you are leaving them in the hands of strangers and a life of learning by way of their own mistakes.

Opened the door and let them know you will not be angry or embarrass them for asking questions. At what age you open this door really depends upon your child. Some kids are very inquisitive at an early age while others just need to know they can ask if the need arises. Remind them every once in a while that they can ask you anything. Sometimes they may be on the edge of a precarious situation or thinking about something they heard and your gentle nudge may remind them that they are not alone.

When are kids having sex? It depends upon the kids. Some kids start very early. Some wait until marriage. Lots of kids have explicit conversations about sex. Studies show that nearly half of all high school aged kids are engaging in sexual activity. Of those who are sexually active, 2/3 have had more than one partner. Good, honest, sweet, smart, wonderful kids will be genuinely interested in exploring sex. Be ready for it.

Another reason you should want to be their main resource is that the world has ways of compartmentalize sex. We do this through subtle attitudes (“boys will be boys”, “women should be hot and look hot but not be too sexual”) and by way of the media (sex sells). And those are just a couple of examples. These ideas do not always coincide with what young people are taught at home and/or their place of worship. It can become very difficult for a young person to understand how sex can affect self-esteem, relationships, and health. If they are taught that only dirty or nasty people have sex, then how do they justify that the same acts can bond a relationship or be the source of a new life? These are complex issues that cannot be over looked.

Part of the problem is that many young people believe the solid definition of sex is intercourse. People (young and old) do not recognize that sex is a way of life, not a particular act. Sex can be the energy exchanged while looking at each other, eating a meal together (with out the TV on) or lying on the lawn and looking at the stars with your lover. But sex does incorporate many acts, like heavy petting, oral sex, intercourse and anal sex. Many young people will have oral sex with multiple partners but still identify as a virgin. (And not understanding that oral sex can leave them vulnerable to STDs.) It’s important for you to help them develop a clear understanding of what sex is and what kinds of behaviors may require safer sex materials and birth control.

Some people are dismayed that schools are or are not teaching sexual health. Some people are upset over the content of what the schools may be teaching. Personally I feel like it would be great f the school could find a curriculum that suited everyone, but realistically I don’t think that is possible. Every family has their own culture, religion, ethics and moral standards. Ultimately it’s always up to you to teach the children in your family.

I highly recommend having an age appropriate sexuality book on your books shelves at home or simply give the books to your kids. These are two books I really recommend. They are both cute, hip, age appropriate books that don't over look how sexuality is inclusive of emotions, relationships, bliss, excitement, fears, anxiety, spirituality, anatomy and lots of other nitty gritty facts and details young people need to know but would never think to ask. Good stuff. Get a set for your home library today!

Question :
I don't want my sex life to be over at age 44, but my husband of 25 years seems to have given up sex. I am a nurse and have talked to my husband about this several times. He is having difficulty maintaining an erection during intercourse. Although he says he will see a doctor, he keeps putting it off, saying, "Let's try a little longer, things will get better." Now he very rarely touches me at all, but acts as if I am the one not interested. I do masturbate, but it just isn't the same for me. Any advice?

Answer :
Since you are a nurse, and didn't mention any physical conditions or medication that he is taking, the odds are that his problems have mostly to do with growing older. Now he absolutely should see a doctor to make sure that nothing is wrong. The one thing that I would suggest is to try to make love in the morning. That's when the male sex hormone, testosterone, is at its highest level, and he'll be rested. Let me know if that helps.

According to the American Medical Association, approximately 43 percent of U.S. women (and 31 percent of men) have experienced some form of sexual dysfunction at some time.

Any persistent, pervasive problem that routinely interferes with a woman's ability to achieve sexual gratification and causes her distress is female sexual dysfunction.

The normal stages of sexual response include excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution.

Sexual desire disorders involve an absence of sexual fantasy or desire.

Sexual arousal disorders involve problems with any of body's normal mechanisms of arousal, including the erection of nipples and vaginal lubrication.

Orgasmic disorders involve a lack or delay in orgasm.

Sexual pain disorders involve any source of pain in the vagina, clitoris or labia.

Smoking and/or drinking alcohol can affect not only the prognosis or treatment of a medical condition, but also your sexual function.

During menopause, sexual response and a general interest in sex may diminish.

Underlying medical and psychological conditions that can lead to female sexual dysfunction include diabetes, heart disease, endometriosis and arthritis.

Sexual dysfunction may also occur due to a serious illness that physically alters a woman's body and body image, such as breast or gynecologic cancer.

As many as half of all breast cancer patients experience some form of long-term sexual difficulties, according to the National Cancer Institute.

Following a diagnosis of cancer or chronic disease, it is normal for a woman to experience anxieties that can impede her ability to express her sexuality and trigger concerns about her sexual desirability.

Hormonal changes, often related to pregnancy, menopause or female cancers, can lead to vaginal dryness or vaginal atrophy, in which the shape and flexibility of the vagina gradually decline.

Psychological reasons may be expressed as anxieties or fears that cause a woman difficulty with one or more of the aspects of sexual intimacy.

Patient education and reassurance, combined with early diagnosis and treatment, are the keys to effective treatment of female sexual dysfunction.

If the underlying cause of the sexual dysfunction is medical, then effective treatment must first address the condition or disease.

It is helpful for a woman to communicate her feelings about any physical changes, such as the loss of a breast due to breast cancer, with her partner.

There are many over-the-counter creams, gels and lubricants that work well to alleviate vaginal dryness.

Question :
My partner and I enjoy anal sex but we just heard that the female condoms we were using might not be safe. Is this true, and if so, what precautions should we use in practicing safe sex?

Answer :
The female condom (Reality) is a loose sheath of plastic that lines the vagina. It has a soft ring at each end. The ring at the closed end is used to put the device inside the vagina and holds it in place. The other ring stays outside the vagina and partly covers the outer area.

Product labelling is for vaginal use only. More research needs to be done about the use of the female condoms in anal intercourse. Compared to vaginal intercourse, male condoms break at a higher rate during anal sex.

In a recent (Nov. 1999) article published in the American Journal of Public Health, the authors interviewed 100 gay men who had sex using the Reality Female Condom.

In that study 40 percent of these men reported problems with the condom. Problems included: pain, difficulty inserting the device and difficulty keeping it in place. Four users reported rectal bleeding. This last symptom is of concern because there is obvious damage being done and the laceration and the blood itself can transmit the AIDS virus.

Eighty-six percent of respondents said they would use Reality again and 54 percent would rather use Reality than penile condoms. Acceptability was higher among those who were HIV positive, in nonmonogamous relationships, or who had non-infected partners. Negative experiences included: difficulty inserting (33 percent), irritation (17 percent), bunching up (12 percent), unpleasant texture (10 percent) and noise (9 percent). Breakage was reported three times in 334 episodes of use. There is no available data which compare preferences and efficacy of Reality to male condoms.

Due to the need to insert the soft ring at the closed end of the female condom, it does take some manipulation and practice to insert this device. Lubrication and gentleness are two key ingredients.

The researchers conclude that "use of the female condom for anal sex should be evaluated for safety and effectiveness before it is widely promoted." HIV is more readily passed during anal sex than during vaginal intercourse, so it is important to know your HIV status as well as that of any partner.

Anal relaxation exercises are recommended prior to any attempt at penetration, as is the use of condoms with water based lubrication as a protection against HIV.

Question :
I've been thinking about seeing a therapist for some time now. I seem to be depressed quite often, and I get stressed out about every little thing. The thing that's been holding me back is my good days. Even when I've had a few bad days and have decided I need help, I then have a good day and tell myself that I'm fine and I don't need help. How do I know if I need help, and how can I get past this cycle so I can actually get the help I may need?

Cindy

Answer :
I can't say whether you "need" help or not, especially since we haven't talked personally. Perhaps a better way of thinking about your situation and the possibility of consulting with a therapist is whether you might BENEFIT from help.

You don't have to have a diagnosable "mental illness" to benefit from seeing a psychotherapist or counselor -- although such a diagnosis would probably be required if you want your health insurance to pay part of the costs. One way to think about therapy or counseling is that it helps you solve the problems in your life and sharpens your skills at identifying and addressing problems on your own.

There are many reasons a person might benefit from consulting with a psychotherapist or counselor. Some include:

being in severe emotional pain

contemplating suicide or already having hurt oneself in some way

feeling emotionally numb or deadened most of the time

feeling tense or anxious most of the time

finding yourself unable to stop thinking about something that bothers you

feeling unable to stop yourself from doing things that are unhealthy or cause you problems in some way

feeling emotionally overwhelmed or depleted

experiencing problems in your marriage, family, or other relationships

feeling depressed or down most of the time

In your case, one possibility might be to make an appointment with a therapist specifically to discuss your situation and whether therapy might help. That is, just commit to a session (or two or three, if that's what it takes to discuss your circumstances fully) to decide whether therapy would be useful. You can weigh both the therapist's feedback and your own feelings about the process in coming to your decision. If you think therapy might be helpful but you don't feel the therapist you've seen is a good match for you, you could then follow through with another therapist. (It's perfectly OK -- in fact, often recommended -- for a person to meet with more than one therapist at first to find one he or she likes. If you were buying a car you'd probably test drive more than one vehicle, so why do less when hiring a professional? In this case, though, of course, you'd pay for the test drive.)

Why not make such an appointment with a therapist or counselor when you're having one of your "good" days, reminding yourself you're only committing to one or so sessions? Or, if you make the appointment on one of your "bad" days, honor yourself enough to keep it. Once you've met with a therapist, you can then decide whether the benefits of therapy outweigh the costs, which include your time and energy as well as money.